Top Five Techniques to Strengthen Your Marriage

Nov 10, 2008   Authored by: Julie Fay

Acceptance, generosity and adult conversation aren’t extras in a marriage. They’re essential tools to keep partners focused on one another.

Married couples need to honor one another in order to keep their bond strong. John Kaplan, LICSW, is a Boston-area social worker focusing on helping couples improve and strengthen their relationships. John and his wife, Gail, LMHC, a nurse and mental health counselor, are the co-directors of Marriage Labs, a psycho-educational program for couples. According to the Kaplans, five tips for a strong marriage involve acceptance of one another’s differences and making conscious choices about how to relate to one another.

1.  You Can Only Change Yourself

“Most people (in couples therapy) want to talk about how awful the other person is,” said Gail in a November 2008 interview at the Marriage Labs office. “They expect that the other person should change. We tell them to focus on themselves.”

She suggests that each member of the couple write down three things to do differently in order to improve the relationship. Simple changes, such as choosing not to nag your partner about a persistent annoyance, can make a big difference.

2.  Differentiation in Marriage Is Key

Relationships are made of individuals, with their unique personalities, backgrounds and habits. But people sometimes complain about their partner’s differences, leading to hurt feelings and simmering resentment.

“It’s the error of assumed similarity,” said John, in the same November 2008 interview. “We make the mistake that because I like this, you like this. Couples do this, particularly with sex, all the time.”

The key is to not only recognize your partner’s differences, but to love him or her for who he or she is. “Stop looking for what is not there and love what is there,” said Gail. For example, instead of being annoyed because your partner is always late, compliment him or her on something done well. Do not focus on the negative.

3.  Listen to Your Partner

No one knows you better than your partner. If he or she says that you engage in a particular behavior (complaining, gossiping, snoring) at least consider the possibility.

“Don’t get defensive,” said John. “You married your partner for a reason and (your partner has) something to offer you.”

Listening to each other also provides a couple with a system of checks and balances, according to the Kaplans. Opposites attract, and each person in the relationship offers the other the opportunity to grow in the very ways that are most needed. By holding each other accountable, couples have the opportunity to receive feedback from the people they know and trust the most.

4.  Avoid Competition in Marriage

Couples often get into competition over who has the better deal, but a competitive attitude can damage a relationship, said Gail. Rather than argue over who gets to do more, think about the relationship as a whole.

“It’s important to develop compassion and empathy for your partner,” said Gail. “Acknowledge the other; you can always find good in the other person.”

John said an important tool to help develop empathy is to think about your partner’s family of origin. Sometimes it’s easier to understand why someone is frugal, for example, knowing that he or she grew up poor or in a household where the parents always fought about finances.

5.  Create a Conscious Relationship

“People fall into roles unconsciously,” said John, “but you can make decisions to change, even about something as simple as who always takes out the trash. So much of what goes on is unconscious; look instead at the possibilities that exist in the relationship.”

It’s important to talk with each other about what kind of relationship you both want. Changing typical patterns of communication to a more adult conversational model helps partners take responsibility for themselves, and ultimately, helps couples learn and grow together.

Source: Interview with John Kaplan, LICSW, and Gail Kaplan, LMHC, Marriage Labs, Canton, Massachusetts, November 7, 2008

6 Ways to Improve Reading Comprehension

Help your child retain what he reads — a crucial skill, especially as he gets older and needs to glean important information from textbooks.

From Scholastic.com – for kids aged 8-10

1.  Have him read aloud. 

This forces him to go slower, which gives him more time to process what he reads. Plus, he’s not only seeing the words, he’s hearing them, too. You can also take turns reading aloud.

2.  Provide the right kinds of books. 

Make sure your child gets lots of practice reading books that aren’t too hard. She should recognize at least 90 percent of the words without any help. Stopping any more often than that to figure out a word makes it tough for her to focus on the overall meaning of the story.

3.  Reread to build fluency.

 To gain meaning from text, your child needs to read quickly and smoothly – a skill known as fluency. By the beginning of 3rd grade, for example, your child should be able to read 90 words a minute. Rereading familiar, simple books gives your child practice at decoding words quickly, so she’ll become more fluent.

4.  Talk to the teacher. 

If your child is struggling mightily with comprehension, he may need more help with his reading — for example, building his vocabulary or practicing phonics skills.

5.  Supplement class reading. 

If your child’s class is studying a particular theme, look for easy-to-read books or magazines on the topic. Some prior knowledge will help her make her way through tougher classroom texts.

6.  Talk about what he’s reading. 

This “verbal processing” helps him remember and think through the themes of the book. Ask questions before, during, and after a reading session. For example: 

Before: “What are you interested in about this book? What doesn’t interest you?” 

During: “What’s going on in the book? Is it turning out the way you thought it would? What do you think will happen next?” 

After: “Can you summarize the book? What did you like about it? What other books does it remind you of?”

Book Lists

• Friendship Chapter Books
• Seasonal Stories for Early Elementary Schoolers
• 10 Newbery Award Winners

Why grade-schoolers defy their parents

Reproduced directly from babycenter.com

Authored by Karen Miles

Your grade-schooler is well past the temper tantrum stage, thank goodness. But he’s not exactly obedient, either. In fact, he refuses to come in for dinner when you call him, ignores your requests to pick up his socks, and responds with a surly “what for?” when you ask him to take out the trash.

“So what’s going on here?” you wonder. “Did I mess up somewhere along the way, or is my kid just out to get me?”

Believe it or not, you’re probably doing fine. Frustrating as it is, it’s normal for grade-schoolers to test adult guidelines and expectations. At this age, “defiance is about finding a way to assert yourself,” says Susanne Ayers Denham, a professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.

As your grade-schooler matures and learns more about the world around him, he develops his own opinions about relationships and rules (or adopts his friends’ opinions). So don’t be surprised if he tries to assert himself by defying you and your “stupid” directives. Unlike a younger child, though, your rebel-in-the-making probably won’t have a fit when you ask him to do something he dislikes. But he may pretend he didn’t hear you, or respond very s-l-o-w-l-y to your request. (“You mean, you wanted those socks picked up today?”)

What you can do about defiance

• Be understanding.

When you ask your youngster to come in for lunch and he yells, “Not now!” and then fumes when you make him come in anyway, try to put yourself in his shoes. If he’s skateboarding with his buddies, tell him you know it’s tough to leave, but lunch is ready.

The idea is to show him that instead of being part of the problem, you’re actually on his side. Try not to get angry (even if the neighbors are checking out the show your grade-schooler is putting on). Be kind but firm about making him come in when he must.
 

• Set limits.

Grade-schoolers need — and even want — limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Spell it out: “You’re not allowed to make phone calls without permission” or “You must come in when I call you the first time.”

If your youngster has problems abiding by the rules (as every child does), work on solutions. Talk the situation out and try to get to the bottom of your child’s defiance.

Maybe he balks at doing his homework because math is giving him trouble. In that case, perhaps a computer math game or a few math sessions with an older sibling will help. Or maybe he doesn’t like to come in when you call him because he doesn’t get enough free time outside. Once he knows that you’re working with him to solve the problem, he’s likely to tone down the defiance.

 

• Reinforce good behavior.

Though you may be sorely tempted to give your grade-schooler a verbal lashing when he defies you, hold your tongue. “When a child behaves badly, she already feels terrible,” says Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series of books. “Where did we ever get the idea that in order to make children do better, we first have to make them feel worse?” In fact, doing so may only produce more negative behavior.

Instead, try to catch your child acting appropriately and encourage him to continue. Remember, disciplining your grade-schooler doesn’t mean controlling him — it means teaching him to control himself.

Punishment might incite him to behave, but only because he’s afraid not to. It’s best for your child to do the right thing because he wants to — because it makes the day more fun for him or makes him feel good.

Still, let your child know that when he breaks a rule, there will be consequences. Be specific and logical rather than punitive: “If you play with the soccer ball in the house, we’ll have to keep it in the garage.”

• Use time-out’s positively.

When your grade-schooler’s about to blow his top because he isn’t getting his way, help him cool off. Rather than a punitive time-out (“Go to your room!”), encourage him to retreat to a favorite corner of his bedroom or a comfy couch in the family room.

Maybe your child would even like to design a “calm-down place” for himself — with a big pillow, a soft blanket, and a few favorite books. If he refuses to go, offer to go with him to read or talk.

If he still refuses, go yourself — just to chill out. Not only will you set a good example, but you also might get a much-needed break. Once you both feel calmer, that’s the time to talk about appropriate behavior.

• Empower your grade-schooler.

Try to provide opportunities for your youngster to strut some of his cherished independence. Let him choose his own clothes (as long as they’re reasonably clean and free of holes and stains). Ask him to pick tonight’s vegetable from a choice of three, or settle on a Batman or a dinosaur binder for his schoolwork. “This kind of involvement doesn’t mean your grade-schooler is running the show,” says Nelson, “it just shows that you respect him and his needs.”

Another way to help your child feel more in control is to tell him what he can do instead of what he can’t. Rather than saying, “No! Don’t swing that bat in the house!” say, “Practice swinging in the yard, Jake.” Your child is old enough to understand explanations now, too, so tell him why indoor batting practice is ill-advised.

• Choose your battles.

If your fashion-savvy grade-schooler wants to wear a camouflage T-shirt with striped shorts, what do you care? If he wants waffles for lunch and peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, what’s the harm? Sometimes it’s easier just to look the other way — when he fails to comb his hair, for example, or stores his clean laundry under the bed instead of putting it in the proper drawer.

• Compromise.

Avoid situations that might spark your child’s defiant streak. If a particular friend seems to be pushing his buttons lately, invite a different playmate over for a while. If he hates to see people pawing his PokÈmon collection, put it away before his cousins visit.

If you happen to find yourself in a tricky situation, though, try to meet your grade-schooler in the middle: “You can’t chase Aunt Sarah’s cat around, but maybe you can fill his food bowl.” It’s not 100 percent foolproof, but it’s worth a try.

• Respect his age and stage.

When you ask your grade-schooler to make his bed or clean the bathroom, make sure he knows how. Try to take time to teach him new tasks, and do them together until he really gets the hang of it. Sometimes what looks like defiance is simply an inability to follow through on a responsibility that’s too difficult.

Finally, respect the unique world your grade-schooler lives in. Rather than expecting him to happily jump up from a game he’s winning to come set the table, give him a few minutes’ notice to help him switch gears. (“Zeke, we’ll be eating in five minutes, so please finish up and set the table.”)

He probably won’t be overjoyed about having to leave the fun to fool around with forks — in fact, he’s likely to grumble all the while. But as long as you’re patient and consistent, your youngster will eventually learn that defiance isn’t the way to get what he wants.

 

Communication & Limit Setting

May 16, 2011

6:00-8:00pm

Colter Elementary School

Join us for an evening of interactive, parent education!  Presentation designed for parents with children in grades k-5.

Discussion topics include:

• Communication techniques that build self-esteem
• Review ideas and implementation of limit setting from several parenting theories
• Understanding Manipulation & Misbehavior
• Family Meetings

Open to all, childcare provided.  RSVP for childcare.

 

6 Ways to Help Kids Handle Their Anger

by Michele Borba, Ed.D.

It’s hard finding a parent these days who isn’t worried about their kids’ emotional well-being. And rightly so! In my work as a consultant in schools, one of the biggest trends I’m seeing with all kids is an increase in aggression and anger. Whether we care to admit it or not, the steady onslaught of violent images on television, video games, the Internet, movies, music lyrics, and in our newspapers are hurting our children. The result: too many kids are becoming desensitized to violence, and have learned that anger is the only way to solve a problem.

While that’s the bad news, there is some good news and here it is: violence is learned, but so is calmness! I’ve included six ideas from my new book, Parents Do Make a Difference, to help teach your kids calmer more constructive ways to express their anger. These ideas have been presented to hundreds of parents in my workshops and the feedback has been positive: they’re simple techniques and when used consistently they will work. Teaching them to our kids is one of the best ways we can prevent the development of aggressive behavior that is tormenting too many kids today. Here’s six ideas to get you started:

1. Model calmness.

The best way to teach kids how to deal with anger constructively is by showing them through your example! After all, you don’t learn how to calm down by reading about it in a book, but by seeing someone do it. So use those frustrating experiences as “on-the-spot lessons” to your child of ways to calm down. Here’s an example: Suppose you get a phone call from the auto shop saying your car estimate has now doubled. You’re furious, and standing nearby is your child now watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson for your child: “I am so angry right now” you calmly tell your child. “The auto shop just doubled the price for fixing my car.” Then offer a calm-down solution: “I’m going on a quick walk so I can get back in control.” Your example is what your child will copy.

 

2. Exit and Calm Down.

One of the toughest parts of parenting is when children address their anger towards us. If you’re not careful, you find their anger fueling emotions in you that you never realized were in you. Beware: anger is contagious. It’s best to make a rule in your home from the start: “In this house we solve problems when we’re calm and in control.” And then consistently reinforce the rule.

Here’s an example of how you might use it. The next time your child is angry and wants a quick solution, you might say, “I need a time out. Let’s talk about this later” and then exit calmly and don’t answer back. I had one mom tell me her only escape was to lock herself in the bathroom. The child continued kicking and screaming, but she would not come out until he was calm. It took a few “locked up times” for the child to realize she meant business. And from then on the child knew that mom would only talk about the problem when he was in calm and in control.

3. Develop a feeling vocabulary.

Many kids display anger because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to show their feelings. Asking this kid to “tell me how you feel” is unrealistic, because he may not have learned the words to tell you how he is feeling! To help him express his anger, create a feeling word poster together saying: “Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really angry” then list his ideas. Here’s a few: angry, mad, frustrated, furious, irritated, ticked off, irate, and incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your child is angry, use the words so he can apply them to real life: “Looks like you’re really angry. Want to talk about it?” or “You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?” Then keep adding new emotion words to the list whenever new ones come up in those great “teachable moments” opportunities throughout the day.

4. Create a calm down poster.

There’s dozens of ways to help kids calm down when they first start to get angry. Unfortunately, many kids have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. And so they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their anger. So talk with your child about more acceptable “replacer” behaviors. You might want to make a big poster listing them. Here’s a few ideas a group of fourth graders thought of: walk away, think of a peaceful place, run a lap, listen to music, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, draw pictures, talk to someone, or sing a song. Once the child chooses his “calm down” technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry.

5. Develop an awareness of early warning signs.

Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting angry. We should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tells her she’s starting to get upset such as, “I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry and I breathe faster.” Once she’s aware of them, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. “Looks like you’re starting to get out of control.” or “Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” The more we help kids recognize those early angry warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It’s also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until a child is already in “melt down” to try to get her back into control is usually too late.

6. Teach anger control strategies.

A very effective strategy for helping kids to calm down is called “3 + 10.” You might want to print the formula on large pieces of paper and hang them all around your house. Then tell the child how to use the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do two things. First, take 3 deep slow breaths from your tummy.” (Model this with your child. Show her how to take a deep breath then tell her to pretend she’s riding an escalator. Start at the bottom step and as you take the breath, ride up the escalator slowly. Hold it! Now ride slowly down the escalator releasing your breath steadily at the same time). “That’s 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together, it’s 3 + 10 and it helps you calm down.”

Final Thoughts

Teaching children a new way to deal with their anger constructively is not easy– especially if they have only practiced aggressive ways to deal with their frustrations. Research tells us learning new behaviors take a minimum of 21 days of repetition. So here’s my recommendation: Choose one skill your child needs to be more successful and emphasize the same skill a few minutes every day for at least 21 days! Besides, the possibility your child will really learn the new skill will be much stronger, because he’s been practicing the same technique over and over, and that’s exactly the way you learn any new skill. It’s also the best way to stem the onslaught of violence and help our kids lead more successful, peaceful lives. You do make a difference!

 

Family Vacations Count!

Laura Santomauro LMFT

Ask yourself how to improve any relationship and you’ll find TIME a part of the answer.  Spending time together is the essential ingredient in building stronger bonds.  Take an opportunity to build those bonds on your next family vacation.  If you are not planning on going away, utilize these concepts in special activities you do during Spring Break!

1.  Rituals

Time away together creates a “family ritual”.  Families and children thrive on rituals.  The predictability and security in knowing what will happen, being able to count on specific “certains” – these things create boundaries around family units that bind them together.  Being able to get away from daily routine, becomes a ritual in itself, where families can interact apart & separate from the pressures of work, school, sports and friends.

Take this opportunity to get reacquainted with who each individual is.  Carve out time to do something special and new.  Explore thoughts and beliefs about your vacation experience.  Increasing meaningful dialogue will give you insight into your child, and knowing your child better will foster a better relationship through increased understanding, connection and give your child a sense of value knowing that you are interested and take the time to be so!

2.  Know Yourself, Know Your Family

First, you should strive to be fully you when you are freed from many of your daily household duties and activities that are work-related. On a vacation, you should let those in your family who mean something to you see who you really want to be. Then, in the coming year, strive to continue expressing that person in daily.

3.  Let Go!

Vacation is a time to let go!  Our daily lives are scheduled with so many deadlines and timelines, this is an opportunity to loosen up some of those restrictions.  Allow yourself to indulge in going to bed late one night, extra dessert nights, even a movie out!  Enjoy the time together without having to worry about getting up for school the next morning, getting the laundry done, fixing the next meal….

4.  Creating Meaningful History

Document the activities that your family does.  Create a photo album, video, or a picture journal that the family can display and view with regularity.  Documenting the fun that you have together is a great way to keep those feelings fresh when vacation is long past.  Loving and fun memories build a positive foundation that families can reference which in turn, continue to draw boundaries around a strong unit. 

5.  Have Fun

Fun creates bonds. These bonds improve relationships. When you have fun with someone you are less likely to jump to conclusions of ill-intention, you are faster to forgive, and you look past small imperfections.  This carries over into having an increased understanding of another, higher likelihood of being respectful and polite to one another – and can carry families through the tougher times.

 

 

NO WAY… Really? 

 YES!

We bring, to you, NO-nonsense parent-coaching.  Our idea blossomed from a mix between the reality TV show, my children’s current obsession with the movie “Nanny McPhee” and many of our families requesting at home training!  Why not combine humor, discipline and hands-on training to tame our most troublesome discipline situations!?

We’ve heard it from parents over & over, “It’s one thing to talk about how to discipline – it’s another thing trying to implement it during the height of my frustration!”   As a people, we hire professionals to organize our closet, our kitchen, our office – why not seek hands-on, expert consultation on how to better organize our families!?!   We provide support and innovation in our coaching – targeting specific spots where change is needed and consistency is imperative.

Through observation and instruction, we guide parents with alternatives to disciplining in order to regain order in their households.  Typical issues include, but are not limited to, trouble with:

• mealtime
• bedtime
• respectful communication
• behavioral expectations
• appropriate boundaries
• creating & implementing family rules
• establishing family meetings
• time management

 

Initial consultations focus on discussion and evaluation of parent’s concerns followed by a short-term plan of action (POA).  POA follow-up consultations can vary for each family depending on depth of issues and concerns and family size.  Each consult is approximately 1.5 hours conducted within the home.  Scheduling is flexible and typically takes place during the time that family difficulties arise.  Consultations are open to families with children of all ages.

                                                     For more information,

 

 

 

Laura Santomauro LMFT

 

Times today are sometimes trying and can test the strongest family resiliency.  Having support around us can go a long way in keeping our children and families safe and in tact.  The stronger family ties, communication and safety, the more easily we can overcome crisis and troubled times.

Increase your family’s resiliency by planning just a few activities that focus on positive action and strengthening bonds.

Family Meetings

• Plan a monthly meeting where each family member has the opportunity to discuss what is working well and what they’d like to see work better.  This reinforces that every family member is valued and that their input will be taken seriously.  Building self-worth in this way will ensure your children to turn towards you when they are in need.

 

Family Nights

• Plan a weekly or bi-weekly family night where everyone participates in discussion and activity.  This draws boundaries around your internal family life, strengthening bonds between each member and separating them from outside culture and influence.  This builds safety, family cohesion which in turn increases trust and a sense of belonging.

 

Family Play

• Develop a routine of family oriented play activities.  Turn off the phone, computer and TV and venture outside together.  Incorporate intellectual and physically challenging dimensions so that each member is stretched and can rely on the others for support.  Acquiring this sense of mastery will strengthen sibling,couple and parental bonds.

 

To schedule an appointment to outline a plan for your family

A MUST SEE…

www.areyougame.com

Developing Skills Workbooks

My Book of Mazes: Around the World  Kumon Publishing

My Book of Mazes: Things That Go! (Kumon Workbooks)  Shinobu Akaishi

My Book of Simple Multiplication (Kumon Workbooks) Kumon Publishing

My Book of Money: Dollars and Cents Kumon Publishing

My Book Of Rhyming Words And Phrases (Kumon Workbooks)  Shinobu Akaishi

My Book of Rhyming Words: Long Vowels  Kumon Publishing

Summer & School Year Extras

Brain Quest Workbook: Pre-K  Liane Onish

Brain Quest Workbook: Kindergarten Lisa Trumbauer

Brain Quest Workbook: Grade 1 Lisa Trumbauer

Brain Quest Workbook: Grade 2 Liane Onish

Comprehensive Curriculum of Basic Skills, Grade 4 (Comprehensive Curriculum.) Carson-Dellosa Publishing

Just For Fun!

The Greatest Dot-to-Dot Book in the World, Book 1   David Kalvitis

The Greatest Dot-to-Dot Book in the World (Book 2)  David Kalvitis

The Greatest Dot-to-Dot Book in the World, Book 3  David Kalvitis

The Greatest Dot-to-Dot Super Challenge Book 5 (Greatest Dot to Dot! Super Challenge!)  David Kalvitis

My Big Book of Stickers (Sticker Activity Fun)  Roger Priddy

My Big Book Of Stickers Edited

My Giant Sticker Fun Book (with CD)  Roger Priddy

My Big Book of Action Sticker Books Edited

Make Your Own Cards By Hand  Made by Hands

Make Your Own Thank You Notes Made By Hands

The Girls’ Doodle Book: Amazing Pictures to Complete and Create  Andrew Pinder

The Boys’ Doodle Book: Amazing Pictures to Complete and Create  Andrew Pinder

Tear Up This Book! The Sticker, Stencil, Stationery, Games, Crafts, Doodle, And Journal Book For Girls! (American Girl) (American Girl Library)  Keri Smith

Journal Buddies: A Girl’s Journal for Sharing and Celebrating Magnificence (2nd Edition)  Jill Schoenberg

Doodle Journal: My Life in Scribbles (Klutz)  Elise Gravel

Gifted Students

Is Your Child Gifted [VHS]  Is Your Child Gifted

Teaching Gifted Kids in the Regular Classroom: Strategies and Techniques Every Teacher Can Use to Meet the Academic Needs of the Gifted and Talented (Revised and Updated Edition)  Susan Winebrenner

The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids: How to Understand, Live With, and Stick Up for Your Gifted Child  Sally Yahnke Walker

Math for the Gifted Student Grade 1 (For the Gifted Student)   Flash Kids Editors

Math for the Gifted Student Grade 2 (For the Gifted Student)  Flash Kids Editors

Math for the Gifted Student Grade 4 (For the Gifted Student)  Flash Kids Editors

Reading for the Gifted Student Grade 1 (For the Gifted Student)  Flash Kids Editors

Reading for the Gifted Student Grade 2 (For the Gifted Student)  Flash Kids Editors

For Older Kids

Preteens

A Smart Girl’s Guide to Sticky Situations: How to Tackle Tricky, Icky Problems and Tough Times. (American Girl)  Bonnie Timmons

Girls: What’s So Bad About Being Good?: How to Have Fun, Survive the Preteen Years, and Remain True to Yourself Harriet S. Phd Mosatche

Teens

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: 101 Stories of Life, Love and Learning (Chicken Soup for the Soul)  Kimberly Kirberger

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on Tough Stuff: Stories of Tough Times and Lessons Learned (Chicken Soup for the Soul) Kimberly Kirberger

Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: The Real Deal Challenges: Stories about Disses, Losses, Messes, Stresses & More Deborah Reber

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Needs of Daughters Written by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
Relating to daughters doesn’t come natural to many of us, but we can learn to connect in an affirming way. We testosterone-filled males can relate well to girls, and it doesn’t require a huge adjustment in our approach. We have so much potential power to influence their self-esteem, their independence, and their healthy body image. Many experts are even finding that our masculine approach is a big benefit with daughters, not a hindrance. Here are five key things that daughters need from their dads, based on research among several thousand dads: 1.  COMFORT Moms are great at giving comfort, but our daughters need it from us as well. The ability to comfort can be a huge asset to our relationships with our daughters—especially after a disappointment or a heated confrontation. If you have a tense relationship with your daughter, it isn’t easy to dive in and start comforting her. But you can start building a foundation for that acceptance and comfort by working on these three areas: First, allow her to express her feelings. It may sound obvious, but too few daughters feel an open acceptance from their dads. She needs freedom to express what she’s thinking, all the while knowing that you will respond calmly and not overreact, even when she has made a mistake. It’s so important to build the kind of relationship that encourages her to come to you with anything that’s on her heart. Second, and closely related to the first, actively listen to her. Allowing her to express herself won’t make a difference if you don’t make the effort to draw her out, ask clarifying questions, clear your mind of preconceptions, read her voice inflections and body language, and keep listening for the heart of her concern. And third, respond with empathy. It’s often a dad’s first reaction to try to fix the problem or launch into a lecture to make sure she has learned her lesson. But what she really needs is empathy. Simply express sadness or concern for what she is going through. It lets her know you are there for her, it will help you short-circuit your anger or disappointment and help you avoid a meltdown, and it will better prepare you to take action, if needed, to help your daughter. 2.  GUIDANCE As a girl matures, she comes to some significant crossroads. There are important life decisions ahead, and she needs the benefits of her dad’s life experiences and wisdom as she considers options and thinks through possible consequences of her choices. We might tend to think more about guiding our sons, and letting Mom have those important talks with our daughters. But girls need their dad’s perspective as well. First, guiding means discerning what’s right in the midst of all the gray areas in our culture. Young women are under a lot of pressure to look, act, and be a certain way—to maintain a certain image. They also face expectations in regard to their future aspirations. Often, we men can bring an analytical approach to help clarify the picture and guide them along. We can also guide through correction. Guidance really is the ultimate goal of discipline. Enforcing limits and consequences is important, but especially with daughters we need to make sure we’re also communicating about why they’re being corrected, and letting them know clearly that, though their behavior may be unacceptable, we will always love and accept them as our children. We also guide our daughters through teaching. That doesn’t mean you have permission to start lecturing your daughter. Especially when they are teenagers, kids rarely learn from a lecture. Instead, be actively involved in helping her learn—accompanying her and assisting her in her adventures and pursuits. 3.  ENCOURAGEMENT When it comes to our daughters’ self-image, we’re a huge influence—and it goes deeper than appearance. Girls feel pressure to be smart, thin, pretty, and involved in certain activities. We have the ability to make our daughters feel beautiful, inside and out. First, we need to become comfortable affirming them verbally—giving thoughtful, clear, specific blessings that say, “You can do it,” or simply, “I love you.” That does include pointing out beautiful physical features, but it’s so much more. Compliment character qualities like emotional strength, a sense of humor, loyalty, intelligence and courage. Most of all, make it clear that, even without those features, you’d still love her just as much. Get involved in her pursuits. Show that she is worth investing your time and energy. Spend time just hanging out together, and be intentional about bringing fun and humor to her life. Demonstrate confidence in her abilities. You might share something you’re working on and ask her opinion, or give her a challenging assignment and express trust that she can handle it. One woman who’s an engineer told me, “Dad demonstrated that there was nothing I couldn’t do because I was a girl.” If your daughter knows that you think of her as a future achiever, that can change her whole outlook on the future.  4.  VISION Vision has to do with the attitudes a dad conveys about who his daughter is and what she can become. If we’re negative or even uncertain about our daughters’ future, that can be devastating. For example, a dad might tell his daughter, “Don’t worry about doing well in geometry; it might be over your head.” It’s likely she’ll associate math with inadequacy—and maybe all her classes will suffer. Or he might say, “Go easy on the sweets, Honey. You know boys don’t date overweight girls.” There’s a good chance she will prove him right. Or, she may become obsessed with proving him wrong and take any measures to be thin. Or, going a step further, she might throw herself at the first boy that shows her some positive attention. Our daughters’ ability to achieve their potential depends in part on our resolve to appreciate them and cast a positive vision for their future. In practical terms, we can watch and take note of a daughter’s gifts and aspirations. Or just ask her, “What are your dreams?” Then be ready to listen and encourage her. Dads can also “speak destiny” to their daughters by making positive comments that are specific to them. We don’t want to place expectations on them, but cast a hopeful vision. You might say, “You have such a sensitive heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up helping a lot of people in your lifetime.” It needs to be honest and from the heart. Just tell her that her future has great things in store. Write her short notes or e-mails where you affirm her and talk about your hopes for her life. In many little ways, our daughters are asking us, “What am I good at, Dad? What do you see in me?” We need to be ready with words of hope and promise. 5.  PROTECTION We typically think of protection as defending our daughters’ physical safety, but there are also emotional, moral and spiritual dangers out there. If we’re fulfilling our role, our girls will have a sense security even when we can’t personally be there to protect them. First, be aware and guard against the many forces that could threaten her. There are people who could try to lure her into a destructive lifestyle, or to follow a world-view that doesn’t match with your values. Not to mention the violence and sex on TV, the Internet, in music and movies. You have to be aware and ready to take appropriate action. Second, prepare her to handle dangerous situations. We can’t always be there, but teaching our daughters skills is another way of protecting them. We can talk through scenarios and help them think through appropriate responses—whether it’s calling 9-1-1 or changing a flat tire. Or conversations like, “What happens when you lie to a friend?” Or, “What do you suppose a teenage boy is thinking about when your friend wears an outfit like that?” We should prepare them to handle an uncomfortable dating situation, or an adult who does something inappropriate. We need to teach them how to say “no.” And the last one is simply prayer. The thought of protecting our daughters should be humbling, because we can’t always be with them, and we can’t anticipate every danger. But we can seek God’s protection daily for our daughters. Dad, you are a tremendous and vital resource to meeting these five needs in the life of your daughter. These needs are not limited by age, but manifest themselves in heart of a little girl and continue on throughout her adult life—even in her own marriage relationship.   From daughters about their dads: Essay by a 5-year-old girl: My dad makes fun food, like Malt-o-Meal, and then dyes it green and says it’s because of grasshopper guts or something like that. Essay by a girl in 9th grade: Although we have a firm foundation, there is one thing I’d like to hear more of . . . I wish he would say that he loves me more often. I know he does through his actions, I mean what kind of dad would do all this for someone he didn’t love? But every night before I go to bed, I say, “Night, Dad. Love you. See you in the morning.” And he says, “Uh huh.” I wish sometimes he would say I love you back. Essay by a girl in 12th grade: From as far back as I can remember, my dad has always been my hero, the person I look up to for one reason or another. He was the first person who taught me to dance… He would take my hand in his, escort me onto the dance floor… tell me to place my feet on his, and then we would begin to dance. He would sweep me across the dance floor, and my feet would never even touch the ground. He made me feel like the most special girl out there, even if I was only four years old… To this day he still saves me a dance, and although I’m all grown up now, it’s just as magical as when I was four years old. One thing’s for sure: he’ll always be my dad, and I’ll always be his little girl. Essay by a girl in 4th grade: If I had to pick a grandfather out of all the grandfathers in the world, I couldn’t have picked a better one. Sometimes as a joke I’ll put my stinky socks in his briefcase, so at work the next day he’ll think of me! My grandpa makes me feel that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. He makes me feel special and loved.