Ten Ways to Be a Better Father

by Crawford W. Loritts, Jr.

 In recent years, much of the debate over today’s family crisis has focused on men–or more specifically, the lack of positive male role models. It is true too many fathers are absent and are not taking responsibility for their children. There are, however, many fathers who are bravely trying to live up to their high calling. As a husband and father of four, here are ten principles that I have learned over the last 20 years of fathering.

1. Passionately love your wife.

With few positive images of husbands around, girls don’t know what to look in a man, and young men don’t know how to treat a woman.

Your daughters are going to date fellows who show the same level of commitment and respect you model. And your sons are going to treat their girlfriends and wives the same way they see you treat your wife.

Let your children see you sharing love and affection with their mother. When you and your wife have a conflict, show your children how two people can make up. The most important area of life you prepare your children for is marriage and family, and their best preparation is to live with a dad who loves their mom.

2. Be a man of integrity–or your words will fall on deaf ears.

Who you are behind closed doors is the real you. If you sing in the choir on Sundays and then yell at your wife all week, whatever you say about kindness and caring won’t count in your children’s eyes. Do you keep your promises? When you commit to do something with your kids, do you break your back to carry it through?

Recently, my oldest son, Bryan, introduced me to a group by listing my credentials, then he said, “You know, those things are nice, but they don’t mean anything to me. What means the most to me is that my dad is in private what you see in public. That inspired me to be even more consistent.

3. Your children’s importance to you can be measured by how much time you spend with them.

Calendars don’t lie. No matter what we say, children know we spend time on the things and with the people that are most important to us. Remember this when you are deciding whether or not to attend an activity that is important to them.

Plan to spend time with your children. Every Thursday before school, my two younger children and I get up early, go out to breakfast and have Bible study. They know that’s in Dad’s schedule, and we have a lot of fun. Whatever your work schedule is, it’s dad’s responsibility to foster times of just being with his children. Find out what interests each child (it will be different for each one). My sons like sports, so we go to ball games. My daughters like to go to the mall, so that is where I take them.

4. You, more than anyone else, can give your children lifelong self-worth.

How your children perceive their worth in dad’s eyes powerfully influences their lives. My mother has been a phenomenal influence in my life. But when my dad would say, “Son, that was a good job,” that meant so much to me! A man makes a lasting mark on his kids’ lives when he gives them appropriate praise. It inspires them and gives them an incentive to reach higher.

But the reverse is also true. Never call your children names or use demeaning words–from dad those arrows inflict deep wounds. Separate any negative behavior from their personhood.

5. Communicate as a family.

A united family makes children feel secure. Share at least one meal every day as a family, when you sit down and talk about the issues of the day. Spend one night a week together as a family (not watching TV). It doesn’t have to be expensive; you could play games together, go for walks, or go to a park. During family times, the toughest things for us dads is to learn how to listen. We love to give advice, but only by listening will we learn what their hearts need.

6. Understand your mission.

Your mission as a father is to present to the world a gift from your home who will live on after you. The pressure of taking care of one crisis after another, and trying to make ends meet, easily distracts us from devoting time to this mission.

It’s unfair to our wives that so often we come home too tired from our jobs, our friends, and our social activities to have any joy or energy left for our children. If one of them got disciplined that day by their mother, a dad should be able to pull him aside and say, “I understand Mom had to discipline you today. What was the issue involved? How are you going to do it differently next time?”

7. Be vulnerable and admit your weaknesses.

The other evening I really came down hard on Heather, my oldest daughter. I didn’t have all the information, but since we had talked about this issue several times, I knew I was 100 percent right. After I got the rest of the story, I realized I was completely wrong. I had to say, “Sweetheart, your hardheaded father was wrong again. There is no excuse for how I reacted. Please forgive me?”

Pride makes us fear people thinking we are weak, instead of in charge. But our children don’t only need to see our successes. They need to see that when we hurt others, we seek healing; that when we make bad decisions, we deal with them responsibly.

8. Discipline means character development, not venting anger.

Don’t discipline your child out of anger. Give yourself time to cool off. Children need to see that discipline and love are not opposites.

Discipline is not punishment–it might involve pain, but its purpose is correction and development. I want my kids to know that when I take privileges away from them, it’s not to torment them. It’s so that later in life my kids don’t have habit patterns that hurt them.

9. Don’t overprotect–let children learn the law of reaping what they sow.

I bought Bryan an in-style sports team hat. I told him not to wear it to school because kids there were getting their hats stolen. He ignored my warning and, sure enough, his hat got stolen. We were pretty sure who took it, and my first thought was to go down and get that hat. But then I realized, “No, don’t do it this time.” Bryan needed to learn a lesson.

When our children make bad decisions, sometimes the best thing a dad can do is to stand back and let them feel the heat. Learning that “you reap what you sow” is a very important part of becoming an adult.

I don’t want Bryan to do right because I said so; I want him to reason for himself why something is a bad choice. Unless our children suffer the consequences of their affections, they’ll never be able to make informed, reasoned decisions on their own.

10. Don’t be afraid to show your tender side.

Tender words and affection matter. Studies show that when children don’t experience that affection, they will search for it in self-destructive ways. A day shouldn’t go by that a dad does not tell his children, “I love you.” Each day may be the last time we have that opportunity.

It takes a lot of energy to shape the lives God has entrusted to us as fathers. We need to make the most of our time with our children, so that we never look back and wish, “If only I had spent more time, or given more praise, or told them how much I loved them.” I want to give my best to being a father. Even if my children decide to adopt values contrary to what Karen and I have taught them, I never, ever want them to say it’s because they felt like they got the leftovers in my life.

Crawford W. Loritts, Jr., National Director of Legacy, lives in Atlanta with his wife Karen and their four children.Copyright © 1998 American Tract Society, PO Box 462008, Garland, TX 75046-2008.

Grandma’s Cranberry-Orange Nut Bread

Dry Ingredients:  (combine)

• 2 cups flour
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 cup coarsely cut walnuts
• 1 cup coarsely cut cranberries

Wet Ingredients:  (combine)

• 1 teaspoon grated orange peel
• 1 beaten egg
• 3/4 cup orange juice
• 2 tablespoons canola oil

MIX IT! 

Add wet ingredients to dry – stir until just moistened.

Bake 350 degrees for 45-55 minutes.

Serve warm (or toasted) with cream cheese

To help you win the war on candy, we’ve got some management strategies that will ensure your children won’t lose their teeth and you won’t lose your cool by reducing the amount of fighting, negotiation and discussion about just how much candy can be eaten and when.

Failing to Plan Is Planning to Fail
Every kid wants free reign to eat candy at will (go figure) so you need a plan well in advance of the big night to get everyone on the same page about where and when the candy is going to be eaten. Start discussing today, get everyone onboard and then make it a family tradition.

Some nutrition and dental-hygiene friendly elements of the plan could include any or all of the following:

• Agree on the number of treats they can have after they get home (a healthy dinner before setting out that night helps keep tummies full and less likely to want to gorge on candy)

• Set a limit on how much candy they can collect on Halloween and provide a bag that accommodates this limit

• Let them keep a pre-established number of pieces of candy or a certain percentage of what they collected and then give the rest away to a food bank or other charity (a useful learning opportunity about charity and sharing)

• Allow them to trade in some of their candy (which can go to charity) for something they have been wanting, like a toy or trip to the movies

• Keep adults in control of where the loot is kept—out of sight is out of mind

• Agree on one time a day that the candy can be brought out—frequency of consumption, not amount, is the cause of tooth decay—and ideally make it after eating a healthy snack or dinner so tummies are already full

• Establish a number of days after which the remaining candy will be given away or thrown out (sending to mom or dad’s office is always a good option). One savvy mom we know has seven days of ‘CandyFest’ where each night after dinner the kids can eat as much as they want and at the end of the week anything left over goes away. It’s surprising how little they end up eating this way.

• Institute an extra tooth-brushing session each day of the post-Halloween battle

The Big Night

When Jack and Jill come home drooling over their loot, engage them in the simple math exercise of sorting. Make little piles of the same type of candy and get the kids to count them up. This will help you with the official role of inspecting for food allergies, choking hazards (depending on your child’s age), unwrapped treats or anything that might have been tampered with and removing those items from the pile.

Faced with the impressive bounty of the night, some kids can even be convinced to give up their less preferred types of candy.

Then implement the pre-arranged candy plan and you’ll be less battle-scarred when it comes to the Great War of Halloween Candy. And as for you, we say stick to the dark chocolate. It’s good for you, after all.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIPS

Published Sept. 2010 by Kayla Moore

With Halloween fast approaching, the minds of children are filled with ideas of what they’d like to dress up as, and all the candy that they’re going to score. Parents’ minds are filled with DIY costume ideas, dentist bills, and class Halloween parties. A very important part of Halloween night often goes by the wayside, however. Safety should be a top priority. It’s not difficult to keep your little ghouls and goblins safe on October 31.

First and foremost, keep safety in mind when it comes time to choose your child’s costume. Hem length should be a consideration with costumes. If it’s a long costume, ensure that the hem doesn’t drag on the ground and cause a tripping hazard. If it is too long, make the appropriate adjustments, either with sturdy double sided tape that’s designed for fabrics, or with needle and thread. As a general rule, masks aren’t a good idea either, as they will impede your child’s vision. Instead, implement the use of non-toxic face paint. If you live in a colder region, keep the weather in mind when choosing a costume.

No matter how safe you believe your community to be, don’t allow your children to go out trick or treating without adult supervision. Whether it be you, another child’s parent, or a trusted babysitter in the neighborhood. There does come a time when a child is old enough to go out without supervision, which usually doesn’t occur until age 14 to 15. If and when you do decide that your child is ready to head out without adult supervision, be firm about the fact that going with a group is non-negotiable. Safety in numbers does have merit, after all.

If your child’s costume is darker in color, mark it with reflective tape, as well as giving them a flashlight to carry, so that they will be easily visible to any passing motorists. Before you leave the house, discuss

 some ground rules for the evening. Make sure that they walk on designated walkways and don’t cut across yards, or through backyards. Look both ways before crossing any streets, and only cross at designated crosswalks or street corners. Stress the fact that going into anybody’s home is prohibited, unless it’s a person that your child knows well. And even then, only with your direct permission.

While out on your trick or treating rounds, don’t allow your children to consume any candy until you have thoroughly inspected all of the candy at home. Once you get home, dump all of the candy out in a well lit area. Inspect each and every piece. Throw out any unwrapped candy, as well as any candy with less than intact wrappers. Homemade goods are also to be discarded, unless you know the source and that they can be trusted. Once the candy ahs been inspected, allow your child to have a piece or two, if you wish. At that point, put the Halloween candy away, and ration it out bit by bit, unless the thought of a child on a sugar high doesn’t bother you at all.

Halloween is a happy childhood time, and the fun can continue year after year, as long as the proper safety precautions are made.

Directly printed from:

The Importance of Extracurricular Activities in a Student’s Life

by T. Sweeney June 14, 2005

Extracurricular activities can empower students to make their own decisions and help them gain vital experience and skills to lead them on the path to their future.

The Facts

According to the Montana State University Extension Service, students involved in extracurricular activities are more likely to become leaders, more willing to complete tasks, more willing to voice opinions, and more likely to graduate from high school and have annual incomes of more than $50,000. Extracurricular activities are also a good way to explore social, political, and career interests.

Gain Experience through Extracurricular Activities

Extracurricular activities help students gain experience in a variety of areas that will enhance their future. Through participation in sports, students learn cooperation, teamwork and time management. By serving as an officer in an organization, students learn responsibility, problem solving and communication. Extracurricular activities can also help students discover hidden talents, meet people they might otherwise not encounter, and learn about things outside their own environment.

How to Choose an Activity

But which activities should a student choose? Should they choose activities that use talents they already possess and meet people with similar talents, or should they choose something new and different and meet people who possess different opinions and skills? Some students are comfortable with growth while others will feel more comfortable with familiarity. If a student enjoys outdoor activities, he or she may want to look into archery clubs, horseback riding or other sports.

If a student enjoys reading he or she may also enjoy literary clubs, writing clubs or journalism activities. Extracurricular activities are also a good way to learn appreciation for new and different activities. A student who would ordinarily choose football or baseball might think about exposing themselves to archery or bird watching. Choosing something outside a student’s comfort zone widens horizons and expands knowledge. Being open to new avenues by joining the newspaper staff, the computer club or the decorative painter’s club will expose students to new people and new ideas.

What Activities Are Available?

Activities can be found by checking with school counselors, reading the club section of the local newspaper, calling the Chamber of Commerce, asking other students what activities they are involved in and checking with area churches. Information on volunteer activities can often be obtained from community service organizations or teachers. Teachers can be a wealth of information concerning work-study programs, internships and summer jobs; all of which help students build their resume and gain valuable experience in their career field.

If a student has already chosen a career path, extracurricular activities can help pave the way. If he or she is interested in teaching science, being an officer in the science club or entering the local science fair can show commitment. Community service at a nearby pharmacy or volunteering at a lab at a nearby hospital or plant can also give experience in the chosen field and can be included on a resume.

Ask Questions

It’s important to inquire about the organization. Is there a cost involved? Will participants be asked to raise money? How often does the organization meet? Are evenings and weekends involved? Are outside activities required? How many hours will the organization’s activities entail?

Checking school and work schedules should also be done before joining any organization. Extracurricular activities are important, but they shouldn’t take up all of a student’s time outside the school day. There should still be time for homework, chores, relaxing, and spending time with friends and family. A combination of all these are an important part of a healthy lifestyle.

Extracurricular activities should complement a student’s life, not complicate it. When students are involved in too many activities or in an activity that takes up too much time, students will become stressed and grades and family relationships begin to suffer. Students should be careful not to overextend themselves by taking on too many activities or volunteering for too many jobs or committees in an organization.

Serving as an Officer of an Organization

Serving as an officer of an organization can also teach a variety of skills. Leadership and management responsibilities can be gained through serving as President. Recorders or Secretaries gain experience in writing and journalism. Treasurers gain bookkeeping and money handling experience. Each office holds valuable skills that can be used in the future.

Many students who ran for Student Body President of their school have gone on to become Chief Executive Officer of an organization or President of their own company. Running for office also gives students experience in campaign management, advertisement and people skills.

Some students may choose to get to know an organization better before becoming an officer. They will still have opportunities to serve on committees or volunteer for projects throughout the year. Teamwork, communication and organization skills are all gained by serving on a committee or working on a club project.

Commitment

Learning to stick with an activity from start to finish is another important lesson of extracurricular activities. Once a commitment to a club, activity or committee is made, students should hang in there even if the activity isn’t quite what they expected. By learning to see activities through to the end, students learn valuable lessons they will use later in life. They will be less likely to drop out of school, less likely to quit a job and less likely to walk away from a relationship prematurely.

Gain Vital Experience and Skills for the Future Experience gained from extracurricular activities will follow students throughout their lives. It is surprising to note that when the top two candidates in the running for a job are closely matched, something like “Eagle Scout” listed on their resume can help decide the tie. Prestigious honors like National Honor Society, English Honor Society or Gamma Beta Phi are noticed by potential employers. They look for competent workers that are go-getters and are willing to get involved and go the extra mile. Even something like Scouting or 4-H tells employers about the person behind the resume.

Taking the time to get involved in extracurricular activities will benefit students in a variety of ways. Time away from the school day through participation in extracurricular activities can also serve as an outlet for stress and a way to build confidence and self-esteem. Students need encouragement to pursue their dreams. Not only will it empower them to make their own decisions, they will also be given a chance to gain vital experience and skills that will lead them on the path to their future.

How to Transition Back To School After a Great Summer 

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Families Online Magazine:  “Getting Your Children School Ready”

Reprinted directly from” Families Online Magazine

Below are five suggestions for getting your children school ready. Do they need to be on your back to school list?

1. Start the school schedule early.

Break the summer sleep-in/stay-up late mode. Begin the morning and evening school routine at least two weeks before school actually starts. Don’t expect that you child will be able to make the adjustment to getting up for school quickly or easily without a break in period.. Take the full two weeks to work into the routine slowly by adjusting the bedtime and wakeup time a few minutes everyday until the desired time is reached. Your goal is to have the schedule set prior to the first day of school.

2. Create a positive attitude about going back to school.

Talk to your children about being able to see their friends, meet their new teacher and all the opportunities that being at school provides. Focus on your child’s area of interest and emphasize all the ways in which school helps to enhance that topic. When your child speaks negatively, redirect him into the positive.

3. Visit the school.

Reacquaint your child with the school. During the summer classrooms change, teachers transfer to new buildings, principals are reassigned, and new playground equipment gets installed. Don’t wait for orientation day to get reacquainted. Go to the school and play on the play ground, meet the new principal or office personnel, talk to the janitor.

4. Set goals for the upcoming school year.

Help your children create realistic expectations for themselves about school. Talk about what they want to accomplish this school year, not what you want them to accomplish. Remember not all of school is about grades. Making new friends, speaking out in class, standing up for oneself, staying organized, and managing behavior are all crucial skills for a successful school year.

5. Model learning.

Create a time in your home when everyone is involved in learning related activities such as reading, playing with numbers, telling family stories, journaling, or quiet reflection. Turn off the television and video games and have a set time for the whole family to feed their brain. In fact, model learning year round, even through the summer months. This will set the stage for homework.  A study time can be a logical extension of the learning time you have in your home.

Give your kids every opportunity to be ready for school this year. Head to the mall or department store with your list of needed items and remember to add to your list the suggestions above. By doing so you give your kids what they really need to begin this school year—structure, energy, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude.

Summer Resources for Parents

RAINY DAY ACTIVITIES

SCAVENGER HUNT!

Host a hunt inside or out!  Kids love to look for things.  This activity will build teamwork through having children work together to acheive a common goal.  Activity works best with 2 teams of 3 or more children.

FAMILY TREE!

Creating a family tree gives children a sense of history.  This activity highlights family ties that bind us together and therefore gives children a deeper sense of belonging and security.

You can draw a tree, download and print an existing templet, add photos and names.  Tell stories about family members and have children use words to describe family characteristics.  Creativity goes a long way with this project!

BODY PRINTS!

Have kids trace their bodys on large roll out paper.  Children can decorate and fill in the space.  Challenging kids to write adjectives about themselves will increase their self-identity.  As a parent, you can reinforce the positive characteristics you see in your children!

For more great ideas self-esteem building activities –

BOOK RESOURCES

104 Activities that Build: Self-Esteem, Teamwork, Communication, Anger Management, Self-Discovery, Coping Skills

The New 50 Simple Things Kids Can Do To Save The Earth

The Everything Kids’ Magical Science Experiments Book

Science In Seconds For Kids

COMPUTER RESOURCES

Starfall.com opened in September of 2002 as a free public service to motivate children to read with phonics. Our systematic phonics approach, in conjunction with phonemic awareness practice is perfect for preschool, kindergarten, first grade, second grade, special education, homeschool, and English language development (ELD, ELL, ESL). Starfall is an educational alternative to other entertainment choices for children.

www.starfall.com

Kidzone.com is a resource for preschool – grade 5.  They have printable coloring pages, math & reading worksheets, science information and craft ideas.

www.kidzone.ws/

The most comprehensive site has something for everyone.  Education.com provides informative information for parents, worksheets for kids, reading list resources & tips and more.  The site covers preschool – college and you can browse by age, by activity, by interest.  It is a must to check out!

www.education.com

For 180 days a year, school counselors work with students on how to express their feelings in appropriate ways, how to deal with their anger and how to cope with stressful situations. But what happens when school is not in session, especially during the extended summer break? As a parent, you are the most influential person in your children’s lives, and how you work through family issues can have a positive influence on behavior throughout the family as well as the school. Following are some parenting tips to work on throughout the summer months.

Sibling conflicts: Stay on the sidelines of sibling arguments (unless there is bloodshed) and help your children learn to appropriately express their negative feelings. At my school, students learn to use the “magic sentence.” The sentence includes phrases such as “I feel … because,” “I want you to…” and “I am willing to…” Example: “I feel angry because you called me a name and I want you to stop. I am willing to stop calling you names.”

Using the magic sentence requires practice and parental guidance. It may feel contrived at first, but if your children and you get into the habit of thinking and stating your feelings rather than acting out, you’ll find it opens up the lines of communication and decreases outbursts.

Encourage your children to listen to other people’s magic sentences and then repeat back to them what they understand they heard. If they think they heard, “You said you don’t want me calling you a frog face – even though you really are one. And you want me to stop, but I won’t until you do,” then they may have to listen (or repeat it again) until they get it right.

Discipline: Children develop security, increased self-esteem and have fewer behavioral problems when in an environment that provides consistency, rules, consequences, praise and positive acclamations. Consistency means your behavior as a parent is absolutely predictable; this is key. To a child this means, “Every time I throw a fit in the store, Mom or Dad will leave the store” If you give in once, it’s like a slot machine that pays off. Winning once is addicting. If the slot never paid, no one would ever put money in.

Having rules in print is important. When the child breaks a rule, the parent can point to a printed sheet and ask, “What is the rule?” This takes the heat off the parent as the bad guy and places it on the “rule.” Rules must be clearly stated and reasonable for the child’s age, developmental level and emotional stability. In some situations, the rules can be created with the child, which creates buy-in. For example: The rule might read: “Marie’s bed time is 8 p.m.” When Marie tries to negotiate for a later time, the parent asks the child, “What is the rule?” and the answer is clear.

Also choose consequences that fit when rules are broken. Coming home late from a friend’s house should result in your child not being able to see the friend for a few days. Missing a trip to the amusement park as punishment does not fit this offense. Praise is also important. Look for the good in your child and praise it. Sometimes parents must look hard to find something to praise, but you still should look for it. Also work to build your child’s self-esteem through positive acclamations, such as “You know Billy, I love you because you’re my son, but I really like you because you’re you.” Messages like these really help in building self-esteem, especially when they are unearned and spontaneous. Your child always will appreciate them.

Parental conflicts: Two wonderful words can be used when your child wants to engage in an unending argument with you or chooses to defy your authority. They are “nevertheless” and “regardless.” For example:

Parent: John, please pick up your room and then feed the dog.
Child: But Mom, Sarah never has to do any chores.
Parent: Nevertheless, I want you to pick up your room and feed the dog.

By using these simple argument deflectors you can avoid the confrontation and negotiation and keep the child’s focus on the issue. These deflectors can be used to avoid arguments in almost any situation. In resolving conflicts at home, especially those regarding how thoroughly your children have accomplished their chores, it helps to specify the task while being direct and to the point. In this way, there is no confusion. You will have the greatest success if you keep the statements short and direct, and you child will feel more successful upon completion. As always, don’t forget to praise a job well done.

Family meetings: At least one night a week should be set aside for family meetings. These should be open forum in that everyone should have an opportunity to tell how they feel. A family meeting isn’t the time to punish or discipline but rather to listen to your children’s feelings and concerns and to ask them to listen to yours. Only through open, honest communication can a family increase its positive relationships and grow together.

Parenting is hard work. There is no instruction manual for children when they are born. Therefore, we must try new things, hone our skills, learn from and support each other and give ourselves a break when we have rough days. It helps to have a positive attitude.

Remember these two phrases from Janet Lane and Henry Chester. Lane says, “Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.” Chester says, “Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money, power and influence.”

Trish Hatch, Ph.D., is assistant principal, Moreno Valley High School in Moreno Valley, Calif. She can be reached at thatch@mvusd.k21.ca

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