This is a couple’s self help book designed to give couple’s an introduction to Emotionally Focused Therapy and its principles. Most importantly is the negative pattern that takes over couples and becomes reinforced over time leaving both partners feeling alone and isolated. With a series of conversational exercises, not only identify their own negative pattern but have an outline guiding them towards reconnection.
Nov 10, 2008 Authored by: Julie Fay
Acceptance, generosity and adult conversation aren’t extras in a marriage. They’re essential tools to keep partners focused on one another.
Married couples need to honor one another in order to keep their bond strong. John Kaplan, LICSW, is a Boston-area social worker focusing on helping couples improve and strengthen their relationships. John and his wife, Gail, LMHC, a nurse and mental health counselor, are the co-directors of Marriage Labs, a psycho-educational program for couples. According to the Kaplans, five tips for a strong marriage involve acceptance of one another’s differences and making conscious choices about how to relate to one another.
“Most people (in couples therapy) want to talk about how awful the other person is,” said Gail in a November 2008 interview at the Marriage Labs office. “They expect that the other person should change. We tell them to focus on themselves.”
She suggests that each member of the couple write down three things to do differently in order to improve the relationship. Simple changes, such as choosing not to nag your partner about a persistent annoyance, can make a big difference.
Relationships are made of individuals, with their unique personalities, backgrounds and habits. But people sometimes complain about their partner’s differences, leading to hurt feelings and simmering resentment.
“It’s the error of assumed similarity,” said John, in the same November 2008 interview. “We make the mistake that because I like this, you like this. Couples do this, particularly with sex, all the time.”
The key is to not only recognize your partner’s differences, but to love him or her for who he or she is. “Stop looking for what is not there and love what is there,” said Gail. For example, instead of being annoyed because your partner is always late, compliment him or her on something done well. Do not focus on the negative.
No one knows you better than your partner. If he or she says that you engage in a particular behavior (complaining, gossiping, snoring) at least consider the possibility.
“Don’t get defensive,” said John. “You married your partner for a reason and (your partner has) something to offer you.”
Listening to each other also provides a couple with a system of checks and balances, according to the Kaplans. Opposites attract, and each person in the relationship offers the other the opportunity to grow in the very ways that are most needed. By holding each other accountable, couples have the opportunity to receive feedback from the people they know and trust the most.
Couples often get into competition over who has the better deal, but a competitive attitude can damage a relationship, said Gail. Rather than argue over who gets to do more, think about the relationship as a whole.
“It’s important to develop compassion and empathy for your partner,” said Gail. “Acknowledge the other; you can always find good in the other person.”
John said an important tool to help develop empathy is to think about your partner’s family of origin. Sometimes it’s easier to understand why someone is frugal, for example, knowing that he or she grew up poor or in a household where the parents always fought about finances.
“People fall into roles unconsciously,” said John, “but you can make decisions to change, even about something as simple as who always takes out the trash. So much of what goes on is unconscious; look instead at the possibilities that exist in the relationship.”
It’s important to talk with each other about what kind of relationship you both want. Changing typical patterns of communication to a more adult conversational model helps partners take responsibility for themselves, and ultimately, helps couples learn and grow together.
Source: Interview with John Kaplan, LICSW, and Gail Kaplan, LMHC, Marriage Labs, Canton, Massachusetts, November 7, 2008
From Scholastic.com – for kids aged 8-10
This forces him to go slower, which gives him more time to process what he reads. Plus, he’s not only seeing the words, he’s hearing them, too. You can also take turns reading aloud.
Make sure your child gets lots of practice reading books that aren’t too hard. She should recognize at least 90 percent of the words without any help. Stopping any more often than that to figure out a word makes it tough for her to focus on the overall meaning of the story.
To gain meaning from text, your child needs to read quickly and smoothly – a skill known as fluency. By the beginning of 3rd grade, for example, your child should be able to read 90 words a minute. Rereading familiar, simple books gives your child practice at decoding words quickly, so she’ll become more fluent.
If your child is struggling mightily with comprehension, he may need more help with his reading — for example, building his vocabulary or practicing phonics skills.
If your child’s class is studying a particular theme, look for easy-to-read books or magazines on the topic. Some prior knowledge will help her make her way through tougher classroom texts.
This “verbal processing” helps him remember and think through the themes of the book. Ask questions before, during, and after a reading session. For example:
Before: “What are you interested in about this book? What doesn’t interest you?”
During: “What’s going on in the book? Is it turning out the way you thought it would? What do you think will happen next?”
After: “Can you summarize the book? What did you like about it? What other books does it remind you of?”
Reproduced directly from babycenter.com
Authored by Karen Miles
Your grade-schooler is well past the temper tantrum stage, thank goodness. But he’s not exactly obedient, either. In fact, he refuses to come in for dinner when you call him, ignores your requests to pick up his socks, and responds with a surly “what for?” when you ask him to take out the trash.
“So what’s going on here?” you wonder. “Did I mess up somewhere along the way, or is my kid just out to get me?”
Believe it or not, you’re probably doing fine. Frustrating as it is, it’s normal for grade-schoolers to test adult guidelines and expectations. At this age, “defiance is about finding a way to assert yourself,” says Susanne Ayers Denham, a professor of psychology at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.
As your grade-schooler matures and learns more about the world around him, he develops his own opinions about relationships and rules (or adopts his friends’ opinions). So don’t be surprised if he tries to assert himself by defying you and your “stupid” directives. Unlike a younger child, though, your rebel-in-the-making probably won’t have a fit when you ask him to do something he dislikes. But he may pretend he didn’t hear you, or respond very s-l-o-w-l-y to your request. (“You mean, you wanted those socks picked up today?”)
When you ask your youngster to come in for lunch and he yells, “Not now!” and then fumes when you make him come in anyway, try to put yourself in his shoes. If he’s skateboarding with his buddies, tell him you know it’s tough to leave, but lunch is ready.
The idea is to show him that instead of being part of the problem, you’re actually on his side. Try not to get angry (even if the neighbors are checking out the show your grade-schooler is putting on). Be kind but firm about making him come in when he must.
Grade-schoolers need — and even want — limits, so set them and make sure your child knows what they are. Spell it out: “You’re not allowed to make phone calls without permission” or “You must come in when I call you the first time.”
If your youngster has problems abiding by the rules (as every child does), work on solutions. Talk the situation out and try to get to the bottom of your child’s defiance.
Maybe he balks at doing his homework because math is giving him trouble. In that case, perhaps a computer math game or a few math sessions with an older sibling will help. Or maybe he doesn’t like to come in when you call him because he doesn’t get enough free time outside. Once he knows that you’re working with him to solve the problem, he’s likely to tone down the defiance.
Though you may be sorely tempted to give your grade-schooler a verbal lashing when he defies you, hold your tongue. “When a child behaves badly, she already feels terrible,” says Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series of books. “Where did we ever get the idea that in order to make children do better, we first have to make them feel worse?” In fact, doing so may only produce more negative behavior.
Instead, try to catch your child acting appropriately and encourage him to continue. Remember, disciplining your grade-schooler doesn’t mean controlling him — it means teaching him to control himself.
Punishment might incite him to behave, but only because he’s afraid not to. It’s best for your child to do the right thing because he wants to — because it makes the day more fun for him or makes him feel good.
Still, let your child know that when he breaks a rule, there will be consequences. Be specific and logical rather than punitive: “If you play with the soccer ball in the house, we’ll have to keep it in the garage.”
When your grade-schooler’s about to blow his top because he isn’t getting his way, help him cool off. Rather than a punitive time-out (“Go to your room!”), encourage him to retreat to a favorite corner of his bedroom or a comfy couch in the family room.
Maybe your child would even like to design a “calm-down place” for himself — with a big pillow, a soft blanket, and a few favorite books. If he refuses to go, offer to go with him to read or talk.
If he still refuses, go yourself — just to chill out. Not only will you set a good example, but you also might get a much-needed break. Once you both feel calmer, that’s the time to talk about appropriate behavior.
Try to provide opportunities for your youngster to strut some of his cherished independence. Let him choose his own clothes (as long as they’re reasonably clean and free of holes and stains). Ask him to pick tonight’s vegetable from a choice of three, or settle on a Batman or a dinosaur binder for his schoolwork. “This kind of involvement doesn’t mean your grade-schooler is running the show,” says Nelson, “it just shows that you respect him and his needs.”
Another way to help your child feel more in control is to tell him what he can do instead of what he can’t. Rather than saying, “No! Don’t swing that bat in the house!” say, “Practice swinging in the yard, Jake.” Your child is old enough to understand explanations now, too, so tell him why indoor batting practice is ill-advised.
If your fashion-savvy grade-schooler wants to wear a camouflage T-shirt with striped shorts, what do you care? If he wants waffles for lunch and peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, what’s the harm? Sometimes it’s easier just to look the other way — when he fails to comb his hair, for example, or stores his clean laundry under the bed instead of putting it in the proper drawer.
Avoid situations that might spark your child’s defiant streak. If a particular friend seems to be pushing his buttons lately, invite a different playmate over for a while. If he hates to see people pawing his PokÈmon collection, put it away before his cousins visit.
If you happen to find yourself in a tricky situation, though, try to meet your grade-schooler in the middle: “You can’t chase Aunt Sarah’s cat around, but maybe you can fill his food bowl.” It’s not 100 percent foolproof, but it’s worth a try.
When you ask your grade-schooler to make his bed or clean the bathroom, make sure he knows how. Try to take time to teach him new tasks, and do them together until he really gets the hang of it. Sometimes what looks like defiance is simply an inability to follow through on a responsibility that’s too difficult.
Finally, respect the unique world your grade-schooler lives in. Rather than expecting him to happily jump up from a game he’s winning to come set the table, give him a few minutes’ notice to help him switch gears. (“Zeke, we’ll be eating in five minutes, so please finish up and set the table.”)
He probably won’t be overjoyed about having to leave the fun to fool around with forks — in fact, he’s likely to grumble all the while. But as long as you’re patient and consistent, your youngster will eventually learn that defiance isn’t the way to get what he wants.
Join us for an evening of interactive, parent education! Presentation designed for parents with children in grades k-5.
Open to all, childcare provided. RSVP for childcare.
by Michele Borba, Ed.D.
It’s hard finding a parent these days who isn’t worried about their kids’ emotional well-being. And rightly so! In my work as a consultant in schools, one of the biggest trends I’m seeing with all kids is an increase in aggression and anger. Whether we care to admit it or not, the steady onslaught of violent images on television, video games, the Internet, movies, music lyrics, and in our newspapers are hurting our children. The result: too many kids are becoming desensitized to violence, and have learned that anger is the only way to solve a problem.
While that’s the bad news, there is some good news and here it is: violence is learned, but so is calmness! I’ve included six ideas from my new book, Parents Do Make a Difference, to help teach your kids calmer more constructive ways to express their anger. These ideas have been presented to hundreds of parents in my workshops and the feedback has been positive: they’re simple techniques and when used consistently they will work. Teaching them to our kids is one of the best ways we can prevent the development of aggressive behavior that is tormenting too many kids today. Here’s six ideas to get you started:
The best way to teach kids how to deal with anger constructively is by showing them through your example! After all, you don’t learn how to calm down by reading about it in a book, but by seeing someone do it. So use those frustrating experiences as “on-the-spot lessons” to your child of ways to calm down. Here’s an example: Suppose you get a phone call from the auto shop saying your car estimate has now doubled. You’re furious, and standing nearby is your child now watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson for your child: “I am so angry right now” you calmly tell your child. “The auto shop just doubled the price for fixing my car.” Then offer a calm-down solution: “I’m going on a quick walk so I can get back in control.” Your example is what your child will copy.
One of the toughest parts of parenting is when children address their anger towards us. If you’re not careful, you find their anger fueling emotions in you that you never realized were in you. Beware: anger is contagious. It’s best to make a rule in your home from the start: “In this house we solve problems when we’re calm and in control.” And then consistently reinforce the rule.
Here’s an example of how you might use it. The next time your child is angry and wants a quick solution, you might say, “I need a time out. Let’s talk about this later” and then exit calmly and don’t answer back. I had one mom tell me her only escape was to lock herself in the bathroom. The child continued kicking and screaming, but she would not come out until he was calm. It took a few “locked up times” for the child to realize she meant business. And from then on the child knew that mom would only talk about the problem when he was in calm and in control.
Many kids display anger because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to show their feelings. Asking this kid to “tell me how you feel” is unrealistic, because he may not have learned the words to tell you how he is feeling! To help him express his anger, create a feeling word poster together saying: “Let’s think of all the words we could use that tell others we’re really angry” then list his ideas. Here’s a few: angry, mad, frustrated, furious, irritated, ticked off, irate, and incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your child is angry, use the words so he can apply them to real life: “Looks like you’re really angry. Want to talk about it?” or “You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?” Then keep adding new emotion words to the list whenever new ones come up in those great “teachable moments” opportunities throughout the day.
There’s dozens of ways to help kids calm down when they first start to get angry. Unfortunately, many kids have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. And so they keep getting into trouble because the only behavior they know is inappropriate ways to express their anger. So talk with your child about more acceptable “replacer” behaviors. You might want to make a big poster listing them. Here’s a few ideas a group of fourth graders thought of: walk away, think of a peaceful place, run a lap, listen to music, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, draw pictures, talk to someone, or sing a song. Once the child chooses his “calm down” technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry.
Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting angry. We should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tells her she’s starting to get upset such as, “I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry and I breathe faster.” Once she’s aware of them, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. “Looks like you’re starting to get out of control.” or “Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” The more we help kids recognize those early angry warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It’s also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until a child is already in “melt down” to try to get her back into control is usually too late.
A very effective strategy for helping kids to calm down is called “3 + 10.” You might want to print the formula on large pieces of paper and hang them all around your house. Then tell the child how to use the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do two things. First, take 3 deep slow breaths from your tummy.” (Model this with your child. Show her how to take a deep breath then tell her to pretend she’s riding an escalator. Start at the bottom step and as you take the breath, ride up the escalator slowly. Hold it! Now ride slowly down the escalator releasing your breath steadily at the same time). “That’s 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together, it’s 3 + 10 and it helps you calm down.”
Teaching children a new way to deal with their anger constructively is not easy– especially if they have only practiced aggressive ways to deal with their frustrations. Research tells us learning new behaviors take a minimum of 21 days of repetition. So here’s my recommendation: Choose one skill your child needs to be more successful and emphasize the same skill a few minutes every day for at least 21 days! Besides, the possibility your child will really learn the new skill will be much stronger, because he’s been practicing the same technique over and over, and that’s exactly the way you learn any new skill. It’s also the best way to stem the onslaught of violence and help our kids lead more successful, peaceful lives. You do make a difference!
Take the opportunity to introduce, review or reinforce measurements & fractions – BAKE! Plus, you’ll have a fun treat at the end giving the kids a sense of accomplishment & sharing when the family sits down to a delicious dessert.
Get out the glue gun, markers, scissors, pipe cleaners – all of it! Kids love to create and it allows them unstructured time to explore who they are and how they can creatively express themselves!
Why, mom, why? Why? Why? Kids have an insatiable sense of curiosity – put it to good use!
For recipes or detailed instructions on any of these projects, please
Ask yourself how to improve any relationship and you’ll find TIME a part of the answer. Spending time together is the essential ingredient in building stronger bonds. Take an opportunity to build those bonds on your next family vacation. If you are not planning on going away, utilize these concepts in special activities you do during Spring Break!
Time away together creates a “family ritual”. Families and children thrive on rituals. The predictability and security in knowing what will happen, being able to count on specific “certains” – these things create boundaries around family units that bind them together. Being able to get away from daily routine, becomes a ritual in itself, where families can interact apart & separate from the pressures of work, school, sports and friends.
Take this opportunity to get reacquainted with who each individual is. Carve out time to do something special and new. Explore thoughts and beliefs about your vacation experience. Increasing meaningful dialogue will give you insight into your child, and knowing your child better will foster a better relationship through increased understanding, connection and give your child a sense of value knowing that you are interested and take the time to be so!
First, you should strive to be fully you when you are freed from many of your daily household duties and activities that are work-related. On a vacation, you should let those in your family who mean something to you see who you really want to be. Then, in the coming year, strive to continue expressing that person in daily.
Vacation is a time to let go! Our daily lives are scheduled with so many deadlines and timelines, this is an opportunity to loosen up some of those restrictions. Allow yourself to indulge in going to bed late one night, extra dessert nights, even a movie out! Enjoy the time together without having to worry about getting up for school the next morning, getting the laundry done, fixing the next meal….
Document the activities that your family does. Create a photo album, video, or a picture journal that the family can display and view with regularity. Documenting the fun that you have together is a great way to keep those feelings fresh when vacation is long past. Loving and fun memories build a positive foundation that families can reference which in turn, continue to draw boundaries around a strong unit.
Fun creates bonds. These bonds improve relationships. When you have fun with someone you are less likely to jump to conclusions of ill-intention, you are faster to forgive, and you look past small imperfections. This carries over into having an increased understanding of another, higher likelihood of being respectful and polite to one another – and can carry families through the tougher times.
Camp Nino
Our Summer Youth Program is designed to build & strengthen self-esteem through fun, interactive and challenging activities. Each activity requires a set of skills for a positive, successful outcome: teamwork, leadership, communication, social skills, motivation, personal responsibility.
Our daily activities include: physical awareness, reading/writing, art & outdoor adventure!
I can look up any book, find it’s level to make sure it’s a good fit book and then print out a list of discussion questions specifically for that booK. One less thing for me to do! Hope you all find it useful too!
